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Micheal Nave

The joy (and pain) of letting go

June 8, 2023 By Michael Nave

It is hard to believe this is my 26th Father’s Day—as a father. It seems like yesterday I was changing Zachary’s first diaper. Ironically, I was much more confident in my parenting, say 10 years ago.

Having two children grow up and move out confronted me with all the things I failed to get done while they were still in my home. Foster parenting and adopting introduced new dynamics and challenges. Shifting values in our culture expose my children to new “truths.” Social media platforms make that exposure faster and more frequent than ever before.

Whatever the challenges, the truth remains: parenting our children to follow Christ is the most important responsibility we are given as fathers. It is imperative that we get this right.

In a real sense, God’s design for marriage and parenting are completely opposite. From the moment we say “I do,” the challenge of marriage is to hold fast. Leave our family of origin, forsake all others, create the permanent life relationship of the husband and wife. Husbands, hold fast to your wife!

The goal of parenting is precisely the opposite: Let go!

It’s easy to overlook this truth because at first, and for years, parents make all the important decisions for their kids: food, bed, schedules, people, faith, etc. However, from the moment we first lay eyes on our children, we are beginning the multi-decade process of letting go. First, they choose a toy; in time, they choose career, spouse, and their faith.

As fathers our goal is to let go well. Deuteronomy 6 provides profound insights.

Step 1 – Choose God’s commands for your family. Make them the truth and reality of life in your home. Moses declares faithful fathers are responsible to teach their children God’s commands and model them.

As followers of Jesus, we are responsible to establish truth and practice in our homes. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey my commands” (John 14:15). When your child is young, you have the incredible responsibility and privilege to position them to love Jesus by aligning your commands with God’s commands.

Step 2 – Increasingly explain the “why” behind those commands. Later in Deut. 6, Moses shares, “When your son asks you in time to come, ‘What is the meaning of the testimonies and the statutes and the rules that the Lord our God has commanded you?’” (v. 20). Moses warned us of that dreaded question “why?” It is impossible to avoid that three-letter word. And it is a profound opportunity.

When a child is very young, “Daddy said so” is the right response to why they have to put up toys or get ready for church. But as a child develops and genuinely wants to know the why behind our commands, taking time to explain allows them to reflect and own the reason behind the command. If we fail to answer the why, our child will likely leave our commands because they were only our commands.

Moses instructs Hebrew fathers to tell the story of God delivering them from slavery in Egypt and establishing them as the nation of Israel (vv. 21-25). He answers why it was necessary to obey the commands of God:  because God set the people free and claimed them as his own.

Today, we have the same responsibility. Because Jesus set us free from sin and death and claimed us as his own, we obey his commands!

Fathers, our children desperately need to hear the why. Those questions create a lot of anxiety for us because we don’t know all the answers and we haven’t perfectly modeled obedience. We tap out by saying “because I said so,” but allow me to be candid: If you don’t provide the “why,” your child will likely leave the faith when they leave your home because it was only your faith. The good news: your child does not expect perfection. Your faith and the truth of God’s word shared in genuine love will go a long way to passing your faith on to your child.

Step 3 – Let go! Arguably, it’s never been more difficult to follow these three steps—or more important.

– Michael Nave is lead pastor of Cornerstone Church in Marion. He is serving as IBSA president.

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